Have you ever drafted an email that begins, “Sorry to bother you, but …”? Or spoken up in a meeting only to soften your point with, “I’m not sure, but maybe we could …”?
Your idea may be solid – yet uncertainty slips in before anyone has a chance to hear it. Often, this happens even when you feel confident. This pattern is common among women, not because they doubt themselves, but because from an early age many are taught to soften how they speak. Be polite. Don’t interrupt. Stop being so bossy! Over time, those pressures become habits. They show up in language that is respectful and considerate – and, sometimes, too easy to ignore. These are some of the habits that shape perceptions of confidence and competence discussed in my latest book, The Confidence Myth: How Women Leaders Can Break Free from Gendered Perceptions. The good news is that communication habits are just that: habits. They can change. With just two subtle shifts, you can help your voice reflect the confidence and clarity of your ideas.
When these habits are so ingrained, you may not even notice them. But your phrasing shapes how others experience your ideas. Before they can assess the quality of your thinking, they assess the level of confidence in your voice. This is where small language choices make a big difference.
Research suggests that women often add small qualifiers like “I just,” “maybe,” “perhaps,” or apologies such as, “I’m sorry, but …” before getting to their point. These habits usually come from a good place – to show consideration, avoid conflict, or keep the tone collaborative. They can also feel protective. Women are often held to a narrower range of “acceptable” communication. Too assertive, and you risk being labeled abrasive. Too direct, and you may be seen as difficult. It becomes natural, then, to cushion ideas to avoid negative reactions.
The problem is that these softeners send a message before the idea even lands. In fast-moving workplaces where leadership judgments are made quickly, language shapes perception. Tentative phrasing can make you sound unsure even when you are anything but. You may feel confident in your thinking, but your words suggest hesitation.
“It also matters who is doing the talking. When a man softens a point, people may assume he is being tactful. When a woman does, listeners often interpret it as self-doubt.”
One common habit is what we call the “indecisive I.” When every thought begins with “I think…” or “I feel…” it can make your ideas sound like guesses rather than informed views. There is nothing wrong with emotion or humility. But if every sentence leans that way, the overall impression is less authoritative than you intend. Sometimes, tentative language can make real expertise sound uncertain.
It also matters who is doing the talking. When a man softens a point, people may assume he is being tactful. When a woman does, listeners often interpret it as self-doubt. The double standard is frustrating – and very real. It reinforces that women’s confidence is not always heard, even when they have it.
It can play out in everyday scenarios. You offer a qualified suggestion in a meeting, and the idea passes without much reaction. Later, someone else repeats the same point with more certainty – and suddenly it is considered strategic. The difference was not the idea; it was how it was delivered.
Becoming aware of these tendencies creates a moment of choice. When you notice uncertainty creeping in, especially at the beginning of a sentence, pause and start with the point instead. “We can shorten time-to-market if …” reflects the confidence you already have. This isn’t about becoming someone you’re not – it’s about leading with your expertise.
How you start a sentence shapes the message itself. Communication can focus on what is wrong and what should be stopped – what we call the “prohibitive voice” – or on what could be achieved and how to move forward, which we label the “promotive voice.” Both perspectives are valuable, but in leadership roles, a focus on the way forward typically carries more weight.
A prohibitive voice draws attention to risks and reasons for caution. It helps prevent mistakes. Many women are skilled in this mode because they have been encouraged to anticipate problems and avoid being seen as reckless. The intention is good: to safeguard decisions and protect the team. But when others hear only the brakes, they struggle to feel the movement.
A promotive voice shifts the focus to progress. It highlights solutions, opportunities, and next steps. Rather than ignoring reality or minimizing issues, it ensures that concerns are paired with direction. It shows that you understand the challenge and can also see what comes after it.
Picture a discussion about market expansion. You notice that the proposed strategy will miss a key customer segment, so you flag the issue to help the team make a better decision. The room falls quiet; the conversation slows. A few minutes later, someone says, “There is an opportunity to reach more customers if we add a digital channel.” The same insight is suddenly welcomed as forward-thinking. The content is the same. What changes is how confidently it is heard.
Promotive framing creates momentum. It helps others feel hopeful and ready to act. It signals initiative, and that is what people often associate with leadership. When you express ideas in a way that points the team forward, they start to turn to you for guidance.
It is important to recognize that these habits developed for a reason. Prohibitive voice can show careful judgment. Tentative phrasing can smooth interactions and protect relationships. But when these styles dominate, they can obscure your ability to shape direction. When you balance reassurance with progress – naming the risk and the route beyond it – your leadership becomes easier for others to see.
Old habits feel safe, and new ones can feel bold at first.
Tentative language can blur the strength of your ideas. A promotive voice helps them land with clarity and momentum. Together, these shifts close the gap between what you know and what others perceive you know. They assume any hesitancy in your communication reflects your true expertise and intention.
It will take practice. Old habits feel safe, and new ones can feel bold at first. You may worry that more direct language sounds too strong. It does not. It sounds confident. It sounds like leadership.
Confidence is not only what you feel; it’s what others hear. When your language is clear, calm, and assured, your ideas do more than just enter the room. They carry weight. They shape decisions. They move people. That is when your leadership is not only heard, but truly felt.
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