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Brain Circuits
Is your legitimacy being questioned? Here’s how to respond
Having your legitimacy questioned can happen to anyone, particularly in novel, tense, or challenging circumstances. Here are three tools to deal with it.
A little-known fact
Being underestimated in a negotiation is a superpower. When the other side has decided you are not a threat, they are less guarded. They give you more than they intended to. They underestimate your preparation, your reading of the room, your walk-away point. People who write you off before you speak are often the easiest to negotiate with. Use that knowledge to your advantage.
The scenario
You walk in and you feel it straightaway – not overt aggression or rejection; just a raised eyebrow or a look past you to see who’s really in charge. It’s a micro-pause before they decide whether to take you seriously or not. It happens to everyone (and to women a bit more often than men).
It’s only natural to respond by trying to prove yourself. You over-explain. You talk faster. Your body tightens up – but these reactions merely confirm the assumption your doubter just made. The power imbalance may be real, or it may only be your expectation of being questioned. Use the following tools to restore your equilibrium.
Tool 1: Use your body before your words
- Breathe out longer and slower than usual (you can do it while talking).
- Straighten your posture.
- Relax your jaw and drop your shoulders.
This slows your heart rate, reduces cortisol and adrenaline, and restores your ability to think clearly. Your mind follows where your body leads. This is not a performance – it’s a physiological reset that gives your brain back the clarity it just lost.
Tool 2: Identify your sources of legitimacy
These could be:
- Your institution and its reputation.
- Your expertise in this context.
- Personal characteristics (age, gender, background).
- Your ability to adapt and connect.
- Your connection to their network.
This is about choosing which source of legitimacy to use. Not all of them land the same way with every counterpart, so decide which to lead with and which to tone down – pick the one that serves you in this room, with this person, today. This tool, taken from the CCHN Field Manual on ‘Frontline Humanitarian Negotiation’, helps you tell the difference.
Tool 3: Name what’s in the room
If the imbalance is real and visible, name it. State with authority, “I sense that you’re surprised to see me. Let me assure you that I led this project myself.” Labeling the emotion shows that you see it. This eases tension and builds trust – instead of ignoring the elephant, you are naming it with confidence. This is a power move. Remember: no apology, no over-explanation. Just state the fact(s), then go forward (and throw in some humor if it feels appropriate).
Final insight: Bias goes both ways
The person questioning your legitimacy may be doing so because they feel unprepared or underestimate themselves. If so, they may anticipate being questioned before they even walk in. Self-awareness is not just about reading the room – it’s also about reading yourself.
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