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Brain Circuits
Who’s sorry now? The value and risk of making an apology
We’re brought up to believe we should apologize if we’re in the wrong. But should leaders apologize in a work setting, or might it damage perceptions of their power and status? Jennifer Jordan sets out the dos and don’ts of making an apology when you’re in charge.
Warmth vs competence
Humans are judged on two dimensions: warmth and competence. Warmth corresponds to morality, benevolence, and maintaining harmony; competence is all about dominance, ability, and autonomy. Warmth is more important because it’s seen as more indicative of one’s character and therefore less changeable than competence.
Why it matters
It’s all about how often you say you’re sorry. If you apologize too much, you gain on the warmth dimension but tend to lose on competence. This means that, while you will come across as more trustworthy and empathic, people are also likely to see you as less competent and powerful.
Frequency vs quality
Interestingly, however, the downside effect of frequent apologizing is avoided when the apology is high quality; one where there is a sincere acceptance of responsibility for the wrongdoing. It’s also important that high-quality apologies are accompanied by some cost to the transgressor.
Why it matters
Backing up your apology through an act of sacrifice means you are repaying the ‘victim’ rather than merely expressing remorse for your behaviour, reinforcing the strength of your actions.
How to utilize the value of apologizing in your leadership
Don’t be shy
Don’t shy away from apologizing in the workplace. Apologies help you appear warmer – and remember, warmth is more important than competence.
Be selective
To preserve the perception of competence, be selective about when and for what you apologize.
Keep it real
When you do say “sorry,” ensure that it’s a high-quality apology. Don’t say you’re sorry that the other person feels hurt. Apologize genuinely for what you did or didn’t do – and follow it up with evidence that you want to repair the harm done.
Ignore stereotyping
There’s little evidence that supports the view that women might suffer more from making apologies than men because doing so may make women appear weak. So, when appropriate, utilize the value of apologizing in your leadership, regardless of the gender of all concerned.
Key learnings
Besides (often) being the right thing to do, apologizing can be a useful strategic tool in leadership – just don’t make those apologies too frequent, be selective about when and for what you apologize, and be sincere and complete when you say, “I’m sorry.”
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