Struggling to cope with feedback? Send for the Fab Four

The ‘fabulous four’ techniques to manage difficult conversations

• Anchor yourself and be aware of your own state

In an intense situation, bring yourself back into the moment physically. You’ll gain time and prevent yourself from reacting to your triggers. Concentrate on your breathing or try feeling how your feet are touching the ground. Focus on your breath or posture to avoid getting carried away by too immediate a reaction. Use your emotions as a reminder to anchor yourself.

• Listen deeply and observe non-verbal cues

Pay close attention to verbal and non-verbal cues, listening for the context and the purpose of what the other person is telling you, instead of immediately reacting to what they say. Ask yourself why they are sending these messages and whether or not you agree. If you spot something inaccurate, don’t be passive: speak up, repeat what you have heard, and ask for clarification.

• Search for agreement on the process

Conversation is a process. If you arrive at an impasse, instead of escalating, give a choice on how to continue, or create a break or a pause, and look for clarification. Ask your colleague if what you have understood so far is correct, then ask if they would like to carry on talking now or resume the conversation later. Remember: “No” is also an agreement here.

• Ask sincere and open-ended questions to collect information

De-escalate a difficult conversation by asking questions that show interest in the other person’s opinions and ideas. This means changing from an argumentative mode based on opinion to a coaching mode based on collecting information. This will invite a more nuanced understanding of the situation and bring it back to agreement and collaboration. Avoid “yes/no” questions. Instead, ask questions like: “What do you see as the biggest contributing factors to this problem?” or “How do you think we can best resolve this?”