Correcting an unhealthy parent-child dynamic in the office

Here are six tell-tale signs that your organization is characterized by an unhealthy parent-child dynamic and how to correct it: 

1. Leaders are unwilling to show vulnerability 

Like actual parents, leaders often fear showing their weaknesses and insecurities to those who report to them. The result? A culture develops where mistakes are swept under the rug.  

 2. Lack of trust from the top down 

This is where leaders see their staff as lacking competence – they need to be told what to do and how to do it. This unhealthy paternalistic dynamic can include highly negative feedback, which is likely to lead to task-avoidance and stalling.  

3 .Unwillingness to empower others 

If leaders don’t see people as competent, they will not delegate tasks and share power with them. Power stays at the top and those below don’t get the chance to develop, to the detriment of the organization. 

4. Reluctance to try new things  

A parent-child dynamic can lead to employees being fearful of trying new things for fear of disappointing leaders. This has a direct impact on the organization’s ability to innovate.  

5. Mistakes are covered up 

When management takes on a parental role (especially a disciplinarian-parent role), people feel little psychological safety to share mistakes. Again, this leads to a culture where mistakes are hidden and healthy risk-taking (innovation, etc.) is discouraged.  

6. Unwillingness to pull the plug 

This could be described as an “and” culture, where management says, “We have to do X and Y and Z” – piling initiative on top of initiative, but without letting go of any or communicating strategic priorities to their teams. A mutual aversion to prioritization works to the detriment of organizational performance. 

Corrective actions for leaders 

1. Reveal your own vulnerabilities and mistakes

This will increase psychological safety and convince the levels below that the change in culture is sincerely desired. 

2. Assign increasing responsibilities over time

This is necessary to build trust, especially where people have moderate levels of experience (because, unlike both novices and experts, they don’t know what they don’t know).  

3. Habitually ask more questions of team members 

Asking questions is a simple, yet highly effective way of communicating – and ask questions as an adult would ask another adult for advice. 

4. And really listen to the answers

 Just as in adult-to-adult conversations, we don’t need to take on every suggestion or idea that another adult gives us. Instead, we should have sincere curiosity about their viewpoint and respect it enough to listen properly to it.  

Further reading

Finding the Right Balance — and Flexibility — in Your Leadership Style 

The right kind of wrong: Why failure is a powerful tool for progress and innovation 

Creating a belonging culture 

The three pillars of effective performance management  

The risks of ‘knowing it all’