How to respond positively to painful feedback

The challenge

Mario is VP of sales with a multinational pharmaceutical company headquartered in Brussels. He leads a large, dispersed team and is well-known for his vibrant leadership style and commitment. While Mario has enjoyed sustained success over his career, something has happened that is causing him severe stress.

Quarterly metrics reveal that Mario’s team has failed to meet sales objectives in a couple of product lines. A meeting with his boss, Louis, to discuss the team’s performance leads to some stringent feedback; Louis emphasizes that the organization has high expectations for sales in the coming quarter and hopes that Mario and his team will “step up”.

Coming out of this discussion, Mario feels triggered. He takes Louis’ comments to heart and struggles to see them as objective feedback, interpreting them as personal criticism of his leadership, decision-making, and capabilities. As time goes by, Mario cannot detach from feelings of self-doubt. He replays the exchange with Louis in his mind and starts questioning his ability in every aspect of his work.

This creates a vicious cycle of uncertainty and confusion. Mario starts imagining scenarios in which he is failing at some element of his leadership, and relations with his reports are becoming strained. In team meetings, his body language and tone of voice betray tension and even hostility, and his decisions are becoming increasingly risk-averse. In response, team members find it harder to be open and fresh in their interactions with Mario and also feel stressed about their work. Meanwhile, the tension is seeping into his home life, and his family voices their concern for Mario’s equilibrium and well-being.

Struggling to unshackle himself from self-doubt and urged by his family to find support, Mario seeks out the help of an executive coach.

The coaching journey

The first session kicks off with what Mario’s coach calls anchoring exercises: techniques to help Mario breathe more deeply and feel fully physically present in the moment. Together, they practice guided meditation and controlled breathing, channeling stress from the body and mind and allowing Mario to feel more grounded. This is a significant first step. Mario is surprised to discover that he can almost instantly create distance between himself and his emotions. He is able to step back and observe himself as though from a balcony. For the first time in days, Mario feels that he has some agency and control over what he is experiencing emotionally and psychologically and can change his emotional state.

Mario tells the coach that he would like to acquire tools that will help him manage stress and address the unsettling scenarios that play repeatedly in his mind. He describes the tense exchange with his boss and the slew of self-limiting thoughts that have gained traction as a result. The coach suggests a series of short role plays to unpack some of the cognitive and emotional dynamics at play, in the moment and in Mario’s reactions.

In the first role play, Mario’s coach takes the part of his boss, and they re-enact parts of the meeting, debriefing afterward to explore the specifics of what is triggering Mario and his feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

Then they switch roles, with Mario playing the part of his boss. The coach deploys four techniques (see panel at the end of the article) whenever Mario says or does something that might cause a stress reaction. The techniques have an immediate impact, and the role play goes something like this:

Mario (as boss): I expected a lot more of you and your team. You clearly haven’t been focused on these objectives.

The coach (as Mario) listens intently and pauses for a beat before responding calmly:

To be sure I’ve understood, are you telling me that you think we have lost focus as a team?

No, I’m saying you haven’t performed. You haven’t done your job!

Thanks for the clarification. From your perspective, which part of my job do you think I haven’t done?

I’ve never heard you speak like this. I don’t recognize you.

So, the question I asked surprised you, or is there something else?

Yes, I don’t recognize your reaction here, and I don’t understand why you didn’t perform like you used to.

OK, I understand. Would you like to hear what led to this from my point of view?

I guess so.

Is now a good moment to have this conversation, or shall we schedule another meeting?

Following each role play, Mario and his coach debrief, exploring the dynamics and the impact of the techniques used by the coach as “Mario”. Mario is then invited to play himself in a final role play and to reflect on how it feels to change his approach and use these relational tools. Some critical insights emerge.

First, Mario discovers that he has “debunked” some perceptions about his boss. Playing the role of Louis, he says, has “humanized” his boss: Mario can begin to see him as a colleague and not an adversary. Then, there is the power of what his coach calls the “fabulous four” relational techniques. As they talk, Mario expresses a new sense of agency and control that comes with feeling more anchored, deep listening, seeking agreement, and asking open questions.

The impact

Over several weeks, Mario practices these techniques with his coach. The aim is not to become a better actor but to work together to identify and unpack Mario’s limiting beliefs, personal triggers, and natural reactions in close-to-life cases. This leads to exploring how these responses can be transformed to help him become more objective at work and about his work.

Mario gradually becomes more self-aware. He learns to build distance between himself and the power that triggering factors or situations have held over him. Critically, he now understands that he has real agency in terms of his emotions and responses and that he is not trapped by stress or imprisoned in a survival mode with no control.

Using this new understanding and practicing the “fabulous four” techniques regularly, Mario finds that he is better able to anchor himself in difficult conversations. He is building resilience and self-affirmation to reframe “criticism” as “feedback,” and he is breaking the cycle of negativity that has been holding him back and preventing him from thinking boldly, taking risks, and trying new approaches.

His team has noticed this shift in attitude and body language. They report feeling renewed trust and engagement. For Mario, it feels like a new chapter in his leadership.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Does Mario’s story resonate with you?
• When you are triggered, what is your reaction? Do you fight back, freeze, or flee?
• If you had a chance to change your reaction, what would you change and why? What impact might this have on your life?