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Is it time to tackle your team’s taboos? Part 3
Following on from Part 2 of our series on “undiscussables,” here are ways to resolve relationships characterized by mutual mistrust and antagonistic behaviors.
Feeling but not naming
Some undiscussables are rooted in negative feelings (such as annoyance, mistrust, and frustration) that are difficult for team members to label or express constructively – but manifesting one’s anger or resentment is not the same thing as discussing it.
Problem diagnosis: Are there tensions among my team members?
Go through this checklist to see whether team members are harbouring negative feelings towards each other:
- Do meetings feel antagonistic (tempers fray; disagreements become personal)?
- Are people reluctant to comment on issues outside of their direct responsibilities?
- Do team members organize themselves into rigid factions?
- Is there a lack of rapport in the team?
Why it happens
The behavior or comments of colleagues with divergent perspectives can trigger allergic reactions, often based on misunderstandings. Healthy disagreements over what to do or how to do it can quickly morph into interpersonal conflicts. Too easily blamed on a vague “lack of chemistry,” these feelings can infect the whole team – especially when the pressure is on. One touchy relationship is enough to generate a malaise that hinders team deliberations through emotional and social contagion.
Faulty perceptions mostly go uncorrected because the antagonists don’t test their inferences. Based on their own worldviews and self-protective instincts, they presume they know why the other party is acting in a particular way and letting that drive their behavior. This leads to escalating tensions.
Beginning the fix: Name the issues
- Ensure that individuals feel equally welcomed and accepted within the team.
- Promote diversity as a source of insight, not friction.
- Ask team members to complete the sentence, “I feel …” to name whatever is bothering them and bring the issue to light.
- Use a neutral coach to help team members open up by asking essential follow-up questions and probing for clarification when needed.
- Follow up with a formal assessment tool that captures individual team members’ personality profiles and a common framework that helps people understand the roots of their colleagues’ behaviors.
Key learnings
As team leader, you need to help feuding parties investigate their differences – in personality, experience, and identity – that fuel their apparent incompatibilities. Try to disentangle intent from impact: even if feedback and advice are well-intentioned, they may challenge a colleague’s self-image as competent, honest, or likable and trigger a strong, negative emotional response. Once people understand where their colleagues are coming from, it’s easier to value and leverage their input without taking offense at their comments or behavioral quirks.
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