Don’t quit! Learn how to say no instead

Participants felt more able to say no when receiving their instructions over the phone because they felt less psychological pressure. When communicating face-to-face, participants can see and hear the other person, and communication is rich (Swaab et al., 2011), and people therefore feel more psychological pressure to comply with requests. When workers can only hear the request, for example via a phone call, there is less psychological pressure to comply. And when workers can neither see nor hear the other person, for example via text-only communication such as email or chat, they feel the least psychological pressure.  

Just like Milgram’s participants, we often don’t say “no” even though we want to. But unlike Milgram’s participants, we can choose strategically whether we communicate face-to-face, via the phone, or via email. Milgram’s study teaches us this: when you make a request, ask in person, as this makes it harder for the other party to say no (65% of participants failed to say no, although they wanted to). When someone asks you, create physical distance from your partner when you respond (only 22% of Milgram’s participants complied when instructed from another room).  

How to say ‘no ‘

The next time a request comes in, help yourself say no by following these three steps: 

1 When approached by a colleague, talk and listen to learn, but do not say yes immediately. Try to find out what your counterpart wants, and why they want it. Once you understand this, tell them that you will think about it and that you will get back to them.  

2 Think away from them. Create physical distance between yourself and your counterpart to reduce the psychological pressure you feel to say yes. Now decide: is it worth saying yes to this request, or should you say no? What other project, person, or commitment do you have to say no to if you say yes to this new request?  

3 Write an email to say no. Be clear about what you are saying no to and consider whether you might still be able to help your counterpart in other ways (by suggesting someone else for whom this could be an opportunity, or by sharing a link or an idea that could help them reach their objectives)? 

The New Normal provides unprecedented opportunities, but you have to learn to manage the many requests that come your way. The next time you’re asked to do something, remember to talk to the person delivering the request in order to learn, then move away from them to decide, and finally say no to them in writing.

Find out more…

Beardsley, E. (2010) Fake TV Game Show ‘Tortures’ Man, Shocks France. NPR. A report on a French TV show which replicated Milgram’s findings in the 2010s. 

Bohns, V. K. (2021) You Have More Influence than you Think: How we underestimate our power of persuasion and why it matters (First edition. ed. W.W. Norton & Company). An excellent book by one of the best professors in the field: Vannessa Bohn’s groundbreaking research shows that we have much more influence than we think. 

Judge, P. (2021) This is Criminal [Audio Podcast] The experiment requires that you continue. A thought-provoking podcast on the Milgram experiment.

Malcolm, L. (2012) All in the mind Behind the Shock Machine [Audio podcast]. An award-winning podcast episode with Gina Perry, the author of the book, Behind the shock machine.

Perry, G. (2012) Behind the shock machine: The untold story of the notorious Milgram psychology experiments (Scribe Publications). A behind the scenes book, telling the story of the Milgram experiment. 

Picture: Emiel Van Betsbrugge on Unsplash