Published November 12, 2024 in Leadership • 10 min read • 
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Meet John D. A seasoned executive in his late 40s, John heads up operations at a multinational headquartered in the UK. He’s been in this role for around three years, and things are going well. So well, in fact, that CEO Peter F. has earmarked John as a potential successor. Under John’s stewardship, performance has been consistently strong and steady, and targets unfailingly met or exceeded. His team describes him as capable, confident, and communicative – a safe pair of hands at the helm of one of the most critical functions in the business and a viable future contender for the company’s top job.
But something happens. Competition has been ramping up across the industry, with newcomers threatening market share and profit margins. Unsettled by the disruption, John decides to overhaul the organization’s logistics networks to see if overheads can be reduced and savings made. To his team’s surprise, John floats the idea of streamlining logistics by focusing on a single supplier. His colleagues think this proposition is too risky as diversification has historically kept operations steady. John, however, is adamant. Team meetings become tense, with John brushing off concerns and failing to address questions.
John’s plan to work with a single supplier presses ahead. But there’s a major issue. The supplier has underestimated the scale of the work and overpromised in terms of capabilities. Within a couple of months, things begin to unravel fast. John’s gamble is costing his company tens of thousands in lost productivity and revenue by the day. His team reports that morale and confidence have tanked.
John is called into a meeting with Peter and other senior executives to work out a solution. It’s a tough scenario and certain colleagues want answers. But instead of opening up, taking responsibility, and being willing to find a way forward, John starts shutting down. He becomes defensive and doubles down on his original decision. His responses are short and tense, charged with passive aggressivity, and he struggles to remain composed. The atmosphere quickly sours and the meeting stalls.
John’s credibility with his colleagues has taken a nosedive. Meanwhile, Peter is left questioning his judgment and the stock he’d placed in John’s leadership potential.
What does John’s story tell you?
Certainly, John made a strategic mistake. But leaders can make bad decisions. When the pressure is on and time is short, it’s all too easy to take a risk and make the wrong call. Making mistakes, however big or small, is a function of the decision-making process. Resolving them is an opportunity to learn and grow. Meanwhile, there’s no doubting John’s potential. Remember, up until this point, he had proved himself to be a highly competent leader. His team’s performance had been exemplary. Colleagues had expressed confidence in his strategic thinking and his ability to align and mobilize great performance. He had even been earmarked for a shot at the highest echelons of leadership. So, what went wrong? Why did he pursue an idea when people around him were counseling against it in the strongest terms? And what made him hunker down instead of standing up and being accountable as his organization was looking to him for answers and solutions? How did John end up effectively sabotaging his own potential?
“Meditation can help you exercise greater control and dial down your emotions. There is evidence that meditation can forge new neural pathways that boost cognitive and rational thinking processes, making it easier to self-regulate.”
To understand what happened with John, you need to understand how our brains work.
Neurologists have found that the way that we behave instinctively is hard-wired in our brains. This happens even before we are born. Neural connections and pathways are set down from birth and then molded by our first experiences in childhood: our relationships with our parents, siblings, and peers, as well as the dynamics we experience in the home, at play, and in the classroom. By puberty, these codes and behaviors have become baked in, meaning we are preconditioned to interpret, respond, and act in certain ways. This is largely automatic and unconscious.
So, in the heat of the moment – when we are under pressure, say, or feel attacked or undermined – this neural coding comes to the fore. We default to the same behaviors and responses imprinted by our earliest experiences. We do this without thinking, which means that a timebomb is waiting for the right moment or situation to detonate within each of us.
We know that well over half of senior executives have messed up or experienced a major failure at least once in their careers because they relied on their instincts – instinctive responses out of kilter with the situation they were in. In surveys we have conducted with over 600 leaders from different industries across the globe, 98% said at some point on most days they find themselves running on automatic, with little or no time to think things through. As our world speeds up and changes rapidly, it’s only natural that there are times when the rational mind gives way to instinctive responses.
John was likely acting from the gut when he made his risky decision, downplayed his team’s concerns, and became defensive with colleagues.
The neurological connections that make up John’s behavioral code – a childhood pressure to perform well, maybe, or to take on responsibilities from an early age – prepared him well for certain aspects of leadership: his ability to galvanize others, to think on his feet, and to strive continuously for improvements. However, these unconscious instincts and tendencies left him vulnerable to downplaying risk and overriding others. When things fell apart, he was more prone to self-criticism, self-doubt, and defensive responses.
Now, you might say: If my childhood preconditions my decisions and actions, what agency do I have? How can I break away from baked-in behaviors to make better choices and become the leader I want to be instead of the leader my neurological coding has predetermined for me?
The good news is that you do have agency. You can learn how to identify your default tendencies, rein them in, question them, and exert control over them.
Research shows that four techniques are most effective in optimizing your ability to self-regulate your behavior.
Start with this question: do you internalize or externalize your emotions?
Do you find it easier or more comfortable to suppress your feelings and focus on particular things, avoiding distractions? Or do you experience and express your emotions intensely and more openly, switching your attention deftly from one thing to another?
Internalizers and externalizers self-regulate in slightly different ways.
If you are an externalizer, start by identifying the situations or stressors that trigger a strong emotional response from you and figure out why. Maybe you had to debrief leadership on a project that didn’t go smoothly or conduct a meeting with other heads of departments. What caused you stress? Was it the fear that you might be unable to answer difficult questions and appear incompetent? Perhaps you were worried about potential conflict with colleagues. If you know what triggers you and why, you can take steps to modify and balance the situation. You could try inviting someone closer to the project, someone with more technical knowledge, to co-present. To diffuse potential conflict with your colleagues, suggest you meet over lunch instead of in the office.
Let’s say you’re an internalizer by nature. You find it harder to express your emotions, and colleagues find you hard to read. You are stressed about the debrief or the meeting because of the potential for misunderstanding. Again, try bringing a trusted colleague into the mix – someone who finds it easier to use phrases like “I feel excited” or “I feel worried about this,” thereby providing a cue for you to share how you feel. Re-routing your meeting from the office to the canteen might help you be more open.
However you go about modifying situations, be sure to pinpoint what causes you stress and why. Be creative about switching settings and involving other (trusted) people. Try reframing things, too. Say you have a colleague who is highly critical of you and your choices. Figure out why your default response is the way it is. Do they remind you of an overbearing parent or teacher who made you feel inadequate? Why not recast this individual as someone asking for your help instead of trying to control or demean you? How might you now respond to their criticism? How will you communicate, and what kind of language will you use?
If you are a typical externalizer, look at ways to rein in or suppress the strength of your emotional response before it happens.
Meditation can help you exercise greater control and dial down your emotions. There is evidence that meditation can forge new neural pathways that boost cognitive and rational thinking processes, making it easier to self-regulate.
If you are an internalizer and want to suppress your tendency to shut down and close yourself off, try priming yourself for stressful situations. Dial up your emotional response by hitting the gym or listening to rousing music before the meeting. Conversely, externalizers could try meditation, breathing exercises, or calming music. The key is to think about how you would typically respond in that meeting or to that difficult colleague. Identify your default reaction, and then prime yourself to change it by doing something that elicits an entirely different response in you.
Controlling your default emotional responses takes a good deal of willpower, particularly if you are prone to externalizing your feelings. A good way to build your willpower is to do something that requires self-control regularly and with discipline. This could be meditation, sport, journaling, or reading every day – even for just a few minutes. Imposing discipline on your routine can help control your attention and regulate your emotions.
Try distracting yourself if you are in a stressful situation, such as a tense debrief or difficult meeting. Look at a different area of the room or the space around you. Search out a friendly face in the meeting and focus on him or her. Press the tips of your fingers into the palms of your hands for five seconds. Alternatively, suggest a quick three-minute recess and get a coffee or a glass of water. Find a way to stop your behavior in its tracks and reset the way that you feel.
Another way of interrupting your response is to purposefully change your emotion. Let’s say you receive an email with negative feedback on your idea or are asked to solve a complex problem. Try switching off feelings of anger, resentment, persecution, and anxiety – the emotions that typically trigger an unhelpful response or behavior. What has worked for executives we have coached is to have them step away from whatever is causing them stress and watch a funny video on YouTube. The shift from negative to positive, stress to laughter, is incredibly effective. Of course, you may not be able to pull out your smartphone in a meeting. So, perhaps try changing the emotion by conjuring an amusing or comforting anecdote or a joke. Be careful not to lose control of your attention or track of your thoughts.
Let’s say you’ve tried everything. You simply can’t avoid or modify the triggering situation, and you’re struggling to suppress or interrupt the emotional response you know you will experience. What do you do?
At this point, you need to control your emotions to give yourself the breathing space to impose a more rational response.
Try to create a response routine. For example, you are in a meeting where complex new information or questions are being asked of you. You might default to anxiety or irritation. Instead, ask the other person, “What do you think?” or “What do we need to do next?” These two simple, open questions will solicit input from the other party while giving you room to rein in your feelings. An internalizer might try phrases like: “This seems important to me” or “This could make people feel excited/worried/motivated (whatever the emotion is), and I can understand why that is.” These comments signal to others that you are emotionally engaged while giving you the distance you need to feel comfortable.
Another technique is to find a balance between the feelings you typically experience and their opposite. If you are prone to anxiety, you could start by asking for assurances: “What do we know about this for sure?” or “What can we guarantee?” Let’s say you have an internalized, suppressed anxiety response. Try the opposite: ask colleagues what you should be concerned about. Whatever your instinctive response is, do something that seeks a counterbalance to help control your emotions.
Above all, it’s important to question yourself. How do you express feelings like anger, anxiety, and frustration? Write down the things that you say or do. Ask yourself how you would prefer to express these emotions. Set it out in a document and refer to it. Think about why you respond in these ways. Were you raised in a family where anger was expressed through confrontation or suppressed by silence? Were things talked through or left unresolved? Taking the time to reflect on your learned behavioral code will help you rewrite your emotional script and exercise greater control over your judgment and responses and those of others.
Regulating yourself in the moment is not about changing yourself. It’s about exerting a degree of control over your learned emotions to bring the right impact to the different situations you will meet as a decision-maker so that you can reach your fullest potential as a leader.
Further reading: Watch the I by IMD Book Club webinar with Nik Kinley and Shlomo Ben-Hur.
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